God Dots

Connecting God to Your Everyday Life

Baggage

10 Comments

Image

So here’s (some of) the baggage. I was bullied pretty severely in high school. 10th grade. These days it would be the type of story to end up on 20/20 or Dateline. It was so bad that I had plastic surgery when I was just 15 years old.

My mom used to say, “Kill them with kindness.” She rationalized that nice people don’t get picked on. It would be years later that she would retract this well-intended advice and confess that she wished she had just taught me the middle finger, instead.

I wish she had, too.

Being nice to my bullies just made what they were doing ok. I was kind of a doormat.  My dear friend, Wendy, says that you teach people how to treat you. I see now how right she is. I taught them that it was okay to treat me that way by allowing it. So that’s my fault. But there is blame to go around.

This extreme bullying ultimately led me to a life of extreme people pleasing. It makes sense, right? If I could just be nice enough, good enough, funny enough…people would like me. The exact opposite of bullying.  The problem with that approach was over time I became more and more convinced that I was not good enough, funny enough, pretty enough, smart enough…you get the picture.

Somewhere in my mind I knew this wasn’t rational but I had gotten so deep in the insecurity that I was fully defined by what others thought. I didn’t think they thought much of me. How could they when I didn’t think much of myself? I became an amazing architect, building my insecurity prison. It almost felt safe there, too.

When I began a relationship with God I started to see some of these well-built lies unravel. The more I knew God, the more I learned about myself. I could cry for all the “I wish I had known…” moments now. I really could just cry.

These days I feel like I have overcome this terrible bullying. I have raised my fist and yelled, “No more! This is NOT okay. Not on my watch!” I’ve pretty much convinced others and myself that I am confident and capable. God made me that way. I’m good now. Move on, thanks for coming.

But there are triggers. Dang it.

I just figured this out. I don’t yet know what they are but somewhere in the deepest places of my soul is that hurt little girl and she still feels picked on.  Something will happen and I become the old version of me that I want to punch in the face. I fall into an internal battle over my own worthiness. There’s pressure in my chest and tears in my eyes. I tell myself I don’t belong and my thoughts spin like a tornado from there. A whirling dervish of truth derailment.

Then I am angry with myself. Because I know better.

I chalk it up to decades of insecurity training. I have a bad thought habit. I may need rehab. Then it hits me…

I HAVE BECOME MY OWN BULLY.

To borrow some lyrics from Eminem, “I’m friend’s with the monster that’s under my bed. I get along with the voices inside of my head.” That rapper is profound sometimes.

Why am I telling you all of this now? I have a beautiful 15-year-old daughter. Lately, we spend our nights crying because of the bullying behaviors of a few mean girls. And she is starting to buy the lies. She is starting to agree with them. She is becoming friends with the monster under the bed.

I want to help her because I’ve been there. I want to teach her the middle finger but it’s not in her nature, just as it is not in mine. We need a better tool. We need a better way. We need God.

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5

It is critical that I form a new habit now. I have to take these bullying thoughts captive in my mind and replace them with the truth about who I am in Christ. If I don’t, I will never accomplish the true purpose that God has for me. If I don’t, my daughter will have no choice but to continue down the same path. I have to lead her.

I have so much hope! I am so wrecked by God now. I am destroyed and re-built. I am an overcomer! God has pulled me out of my pit of despair and held me tight. He whispers to me that I’m beautiful and wonderful and His. I am really working hard to believe Him. It’s gonna happen.

She’s gonna believe Him, too.

It’s time to throw the baggage out the window and give the monster under the bed the middle finger.

About these ads

10 thoughts on “Baggage

  1. Oh my goodness. I don’t know where to begin…what you wrote totally resonates with me. Only I ended up marrying an abusive man. A bully. I am out of that now, thank God. But the voices, the lies, the echoes are so easy to believe. I LOVE that you quoted Eminem. My son loves him and is always telling me about his stuff. I think I need to listen better to him. Thank you.

    • Oh Charlotte, I’m so sorry to hear that about your husband (ex). It’s so hard to overcome the lies when you don’t have the right tools. Thank God for God!

      And just FYI, I like Eminem but you should be warned…..look at lyrics before you let your kids listen. Not wholesome. Lol!

      Prayers and blessings for you…

  2. Hello,

    I actually use to work with your good friend Wendy. This is so nice, braught tears to my eyes. Growing up I was molested…. So going through life I always had to put on this big front like I was big and bad. So wouldn’t anyone else mess with me. I’m just simply a lady with the love of god, all in my heart. So it’s hard for me to just be my self when the monster grew up with me. I thankyou you so much for writing this. ( never thought about it this way)

  3. Great post Anne! Well said! And I thought how precious of God to give YOU as your daughter’s Mom. You get it. You can help her get it! Praise the Lord!

  4. How are you leading your daughter? My daughter is in 3rd grade and she was bullied in Kindergarten and again in 2nd grade. Even after trying to empower her so she could end the bullying herself, I still ended up having to step in and reach out to a parent. How do you teach your child to teach others how to treat them? How do you empower a sensitive, sweet natured child who is a people pleaser by nature?

    • Hey Kim. Two ways. 1) By making sure she knows who she is in Christ. and 2) Giving her permission to tell mean girls that it’s not ok. I’ve told my kids to never start it, but never take it either. Then I pray. A lot. She’ll be ok, sister. She’s got the great example of you and your journey to model after.

      • Thank you Anne for sharing your story. I’m sorry you had to go through that but so glad you are using your story to help your daughter and others. :-)

  5. Thank You for being raw and real Anne

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 641 other followers